A BAKER’S DOZEN TOWARDS MARITAL BLISS
1. Become a team and create a united front: Build a white picket fence.
The white picket fence is a metaphor I devised that symbolizes an essential boundary that surrounds a healthy relationship and marriage. It is a representation of the mutual commitment between a couple that says this is the most important relationship in their life. At the same time, because it’s a friendly little fence with a little gate, rather than a barbed wire fence, it does not cut off family and friends. Instead, others still have access to each of you separately and together, and you to them.
2. Be respectful of each other’s differences.
Don’t expect that you’ll always see eye to eye on everything. You are two different people – male and female, who came from completely different families,
and your way is probably not the right way all the time anyway.
3. Learn to accept the ups and down of intimacy.
Just like you, your relationship fluctuates in rhythmic cycles and moods. Sometimes you feel close and other times distant. Passion too increases and decreases over time. Don’t worry when you start to move away from one another. Instead, take advantage of the opportunity to pay attention to yourself and to what else is in your life.
4. Your relationship with your parents effects your marriage.
There is an essential dance of separation that needs to take place between adult children and their parents. The relationship needs to change in two ways. First, so that your connection with your parent(s) is adult in the full sense of the word. (Ask yourself, am I treated as an adult by my parent(s)? If the answer is no, you have some work to do.) Second, an adult’s primary loyalty exists, in a balanced way, towards him/herself and to his/her partner. Be prepared for the difficulty of this loyalty switch that is unequivocally essential.
5. Time out for each other every day.
Let’s face it, life is stressful and the details take up so much energy sometimes that there is little left for anything else. Be wise: Set aside work, phone calls, kids, household chores periodically and remind yourself that you are madly in love. Find creative means to meet your quota of private time. You and your spouse deserve at least thirty minutes a day, one night a week, one weekend a month, and one week a year alone, uninterrupted by outsiders. Do not settle for less!
6. When issues come up in your marriage (or with anyone else) try this CREATIVE CONFLICT RESOLUTION template:
- Find private time to talk – go for a walk or drive together, have a cup of coffee.
- Get their agreement and ask for no interruptions. If you are interrupted, insist
- That you be allowed to continue until you are done.
- Your goal is to use “I” language – such as: I want, I think, I feel, I need.
- (Use only non-accusatory words when you present your point of view, speak in a calm, friendly tone. It may be helpful to jot down a few notes before your talk.) A week before her wedding, Lisa Lang sat down with her fiancè and said: “I’m really worried that you might drink too much at the wedding. Can we please talk about it.”
- After you have expressed your concern, state your ultimate goal. What Lisa said next was, “Sweetie, would you consider limiting your alcohol intake to just three drinks as a special favor to me?”
- Be quiet and listen.
7. What is the “work” of marriage?
Every couple deals with at least one or two of the following problems:
a) money b) time c) household responsibilities d) extended family and e) sex.
You cannot run away from these issues. Your have a big job. If you want success that you have to be loving, fair, cooperative, compassionate, committed, compromising, tolerant, and forgiving. When you are sidetracked from your love for each other, find it in your heart to be sensitive and understanding. Remember to break the ice with humor, and do not forget to choose your battles.
8. If this is not your first time around
Learn to be accepting and integrate the past with the present. At the same time, stand up for yourself. Do not forget, when you marry you inherit each other’s family and friends whether you like it or not – so figure out how to make it work. However, it is up to each of you to instruct your individual family to be respectful toward your partner.
Be aware that every woman and man wants and deserves to be #1 to her husband or wife. The challenge for the remarried couple is that former spouses and children from previous marriages often induce feelings of guilt and uncertainty, sometimes sidetracking you from your love for each other.
9. A good marriage requires honesty in talking things over.
Make your needs known to your partner whether you expect a positive or a negative response, and prepare to be patient as the occasional complicated emotions work themselves out over time. It takes at least five years (from the time you practice honesty) to adjust to marriage in general – do not expect miracles. Commitment and communication is the path to happiness. Honesty always works because in the long-run it minimizes feelings of resentment and misunderstanding.
10. Lower your expectations about what marriage can give you.
Being married will not solve all your problems – as a matter of fact, it marriage will give you some new ones. What you can expect from marriage is to have a best friend who will always be on your side, but will sometimes disappoint you. No matter how long you have been married, why not sit down together and compare notes on what you each expect of marriage?
11. Take care of yourself.
The most basic ingredient for a successful marriage is self-nurturing. Respect your own needs. Pay attention to what you feel, what you think, what you want or do not want. Discover how to meet your needs, and then act upon those findings. When you show yourself consideration, self-acceptance and love, you become a better person and partner because what you experience within yourself you can then share with another..
12. Have Fun Together
Life is short and challenging. Punctuate the everydayness of marriage with activities that make you laugh, give you a psychic lift, and remind you of why you decided to marry in the first place.
13. Real mature love between two people is basically humanitarian
