ACTIVE LISTENING:
ENJOY SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION
Many years ago I discovered a program called Parent Effectiveness Training which was crucial in helping me communicate with my children. These skills are equally useful in conversations with adults. More effective than passive listening (silence) active listening is an extraordinary way to connect two people who are in relationship.
Communication breaks down when the message sent (as well as the underlying feeling) is not understood by the receiver of the message. For example, when after a day apart at work one partner, say the wife, greets another, let’s call him, the husband, with the words, "I'm so exhausted, it's been a rotten day." She is communicating her need to simply relate her current state of her mind and body. Her spouse on the other hand, may decode her message as a demand for him to cook tonight's dinner (thereby becoming angry), and unfortunately misunderstanding her. Here is the problem: neither partner knows what thoughts exist inside the other.
When receiving a message from his wife, the husband could, however, check on the accuracy of his decoding just to make sure he has not misunderstood. He could do this by actually telling his wife her thoughts – the result of his encoding process. "You want me to make dinner because you are so tired." Now, hearing her husband's feedback, the wife would be able to tell her husband that he decoded incorrectly. (She could then tell him that what she really meant was to just let him know how she felt, but that she was nevertheless willing to make dinner since it was her turn to do so.)
This feedback process is called active listening and is a very helpful communication technique. In this case the husband had initially misunderstood his wife. His investigation, however, elicited her feedback which illustrated how he was misunderstanding her, allowing him to send another message that clarified his wife’s initial communication. He was then able to respond to her message lovingly and effectively by saying, "You had a rough day and want me to know about it." All you need do is simply repeat or mirror what you have just heard to show you understand. Your partner will feel listened to and will want to tell you more. Of course, you can always add a little bit of your own creativity and offer a hug too.
