August 1993 Newsletter
Dear Friend,
The summer is in full swing and we are thoroughly enjoying the season's events. One of the most enjoyable of these activities is hiking in the Berkshires. Would you believe we are already noticing color changes in the foliage even though August has barely begun. Time passes all too quickly!
The following good counsel is from Henry James, The Ambassadors 1903. "Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have had your life. If you haven't had that what have you had?...What one loses one loses; make no mistake about that ...The right time is any time that one is still so lucky as to have...Live!"
I am in the midst of organizing another WEEKEND ENRICHMENT DIALOGUE (W.E.D.) seminar for mid October. This is a romantic retreat which will take place in an exquisite New England Inn. The seminar is limited to six couples and will be devoted to the reflection and reevaluation of their relationships. I have developed W.E.D. for couples only, married or otherwise. This program has been widely recognized as a highly innovative approach that combines the best aspects of marriage and sex therapy in an emotionally safe group environment. By stressing personal growth W.E.D. emphasizes the deepening and improvement of sexual intimacy. It helps develop and strengthen love which in turn leads to increased intensity in eroticism and desire. If you would like further information for yourself or someone you know please contact me.
As always, I'd love to hear from you!
With personal regards,
Rita
About Abuse
In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I am often asked to define abusive behavior. In this day and age the label "abuse" is sometimes misunderstood. I thought it would be helpful to consider some of the information that follows, as well as the checklist on the opposite page (fashioned after one by Victim Services of New City, New York) to help you ascertain yours and your partner's behavior.
Abusive conduct is rooted in the need to control another person through the use of force or coercion. It is an abuse of power. It can be physical (violent), psychological (threatening) or economically offensive and controlling behavior. With time it always gets worse. A useful question that's raised when dealing with a potentially abusive person is: Do you think you have a right to employ such behavior in order to gain compliance to your point of view? If the answer is yes, this person is dangerous since s/he feels entitled to manipulate and tyranize others. To the partner of such a person, one might ask: Do you think your partner is justified in adopting such techniques?
In the check list that follows, circle each behavior that you have utilized or been victimized by in the past three months. The greater the number of items that have been circled, the higher the danger level of abuse existing and increasing, in a particular relationship. Whether you are victim or perpetrator, you are not helpless to change your situation. As a victim, it's really hard to get mobilized because your self-esteem has been seriously damaged. Do something nice for yourself, and get some help: N.O.W., hospitals, psychotherapists, and various hotlines offer assistance. As the abuser, you can begin by taking responsibility for your behavior, and then get whatever help you can before you seriously injure someone. Begin by systematically eliminating one behavior at a time. Remember, no matter how bad things might be, you can always change if you are truly motivated and committed.
Violent, Abusive And Controlling Behaviors Checklist
Physical Violence
- slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite
- rape (use of force, threats or coercion to obtain sex)
- use of weapons, keeping weapons around which frighten others, throwing things
- damage of furniture, home furnishings, pets, destroying your/her/his possessions
- intimidation: standing in doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of size to intimidate, standing over you/him/her, out shouting, driving recklessly.
- threats: verbal, nonverbal, direct, indirect
- harassment: uninvited visits, calls; following you/ her/him around, checking up on you/her/him, embarrassing you/her/him in public, not leaving when asked
- isolation (preventing or making it difficult for you/her/him to seek or talk to friends, relatives or others).
Psychological and Economic Abuse
- yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising voice, using angry expressions or gestures, embarrassing you/him/her in public
- criticism: name-calling, swearing, mocking, put downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures
- pressure tactics: rushing you/him/her to make decisions, using guilt or accusations, sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating the children or bandwagoning, abusing feelings
- interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting your/his/her words
- economic coercion: withholding money, the car or other resources, sabotaging your/her/his attempts to work
- claiming "the truth" (being the authority, defining your/her/his behavior, using "logic")
- lying, withholding information, infidelity
- withholding help on: child care, housework, financial matters; not doing your/his/her share, failing to follow through on your agreements
- emotional withholding: not expressing feelings, not giving support, not validating, failure to pay attention, absence of compliments, failure to respect your/his/her feelings, opinions and rights
- abusing yourself: excessive use of drugs or alcohol, not asking for help or support, failure to maintain a healthy lifestyle, being a "people pleaser"
