March 1994 Newsletter
Dear Friend,
With winter depositing huge quantities of snow in the Northeast, slipping and sliding on ice has not been fun. Most of us are spending more time indoors this season, catching up on old relationships, new books, long delayed projects and waiting to come out of our caves with the first thaw. I hope this letter brings you good cheer, interesting news and fresh learnings.
One of my readers felt that my last publication didn’t sufficiently emphasize the seriousness of the problem of men’s physical violence towards women. In light of this comment I urge my male readers to be scrupulously honest and confront yourself if you are physically or psychologically abusive. Your challenge will be to resist your need to control others through fear tactics and force. Professional assistance is available from many sources. If you are the victim of abuse, don’t give up! There are choices and available resources. Don’t hesitate to call me for a free listing of organizations offering services. Abusive behavior in any relationship is a serious problem which must be carefully thought about and changed.
As always, I’d love to hear from you!
With personal regards,
Rita
What Do Women And Men Think About?
A friend recently brought to my attention the following graphs by Jennifer Berine. The diagrams titled, "Thought Frequency as Pie Charts" recently appeared in a local newspaper and were acclaimed as rendering an accurate portrayal of current focus.
Ms.Berine would have us believe that women spend 65% of their time involved in ruminating about their relationships with men, no time at all thinking about their careers and merely bits of time (5% each) focused on sex, pets, aging, and having to pee. And that men spend equal attention to their careers, sports and sex (25% each) and that their relationships with women are as important to them as aging, going bald and strange ear and nose hair. Give me a break!!! And then there is the 8% spent by women obsessing about their weight (unhappily, it’s more like 50%). Are these charts dinosaurs left over from the 1950’s? Are we still stuck in the ice age of gender differences?
Perhaps I am a cockeyed optimist, but as we approach the 21st century, I question the veracity of these representations. Of course men and women respond differently to each other, have diverse values and concerns. For one thing there is the "shopping gene" which I am convinced is missing in the great majority of men. But humor aside, it’s been a gender struggle to share love and power, yet this core ingredient for intimacy is strengthening — after all, one can’t expect to have a successful marriage with a disparity in control. Differences in prioritizing one’s focus is also fading between the sexes. The majority of women today are highly concerned with their careers, as they gain more personal validation and self-esteem through such achievement, and as men discover the true benefits of having a more stimulating partner. Of course, society still has to catch up to equal pay for equal value, but I’m optimistic that we’re moving in the right direction — especially since men appreciate sharing the economic load, instead of the pressure to pull it alone, and women want men who eat quiche. Men, who have always valued physical strength, are now becoming health and fitness conscious, while women are hopefully learning to love their bodies and stop dieting. Women are acknowledging their sexuality and therefor focus on physical pleasure as much as men. Men don’t take their relationships for granted as much as they have in the past. They are investing increasing energy in their romantic unions and are appreciating the pleasure and pain of emotionality. As girls are becoming more comfortable with their bodies and their emphasis on participation in school sports increases, more and more women have become sports fanatics rivaling men’s enthusiasm. Viva la Difference! But I think they are becoming different.
Renewing Intimacy
Our recent Berkshire Romantic Get-A-Way Weekend, the January Weekend Enhancement Discussions, (W.E.D.) was a sold-out success. We already have a waiting list for the next weekend which will be held April 22nd - 24th. (Please call if you are interested in a free consultation.) Loving bonds were re-newed and new friendships were forged by six courageous couples. The weekend’s most memorable quote: "Sex, sex, sex, that’s all she ever thinks about. Give me the good old days when women had headaches."
W.E.D.’s premise is that the passion and excitement that every relationship enjoys in the early stages, and that seems to wither with time, can now be recaptured. What made the early phase of your marriage sexy and exciting was that everything was new, you were continually discovering each other and both of you were taking all sorts of risks. After a while, the three "C’s" got in the middle between you and wrapped you in: Complacency, Conflict and Corruption. The road to romantic renewal is grounded in eliminating the three C’s and replacing them with: Risk-Taking, Solutions and Honesty.
1. Risk-Taking refers to being willing to challenge yourself and each other. If you’ve been hiding in front of the television, in the kitchen, with the kids, or working too many hours, it’s time to take a look at what you may be running away from. Ask yourself, whose model of a marriage are you following? Your parents? What are you protecting? Who and/or what are you hiding from? Start talking to each other about your discoveries, even if it’s unsettling.
2. Solutions can be obtained to conflicts — conflicts you have shoved aside. These have been the bricks and mortar of that wall of accumulated resentment and animosity. Here’s a helpful tool for you to try. I. Each on your own, using three separate sheets of paper, list three things in the relationship that make you feel angry towards your partner. Be specific and expand on each one separately, giving a full representation. II. On three more sheets of paper specify a possible solution to each of these issues. Think to yourself: If this problem were solved, what would be happening instead? III. Make a date to spend at least a half-hour together and share your lists. Help each other find potential alternative solutions that are satisfactory to you both, and make a commitment to each make one change in the following week.
3. Honesty is the trickiest & scariest breakthrough, yet the most rewarding. How honest should you be? About everything? The answer is to be honest about anything that concerns your present relationship. Whatever happened to you in the past or with other people, probably has some effect on your relationship. Except for previous romantic experiences, all else should be shared.
