A Divorce Manual
You got married, you thought it would be forever, despite the fact that so many people you knew were getting divorced or living in unhappy marriages you thought you would be different. Now you find yourself thinking, "Did I really make a mistake? Is it time to call it quits?" Things were really good in the beginning, you two were really grooving, but things started to unravel after the honeymoon, or after the baby, and you've tried everything.
You tried to change, you tried to change him, you’ve been to a couple of counselors or therapists and nothing is getting better. You fight. You’re always angry. Or you just don’t care anymore. Sex went flying out the door after the honeymoon. You look forward to seeing her after work, but then when you do you can’t wait to get away from her. You used to find him interesting and attractive, and now you’d rather just watch TV. You’re at the end of your rope! This is not what you got married for. You find yourself avoiding going home after work, you feel trapped, you cry into your pillow or the arms of your lover. What do do?
With this in mind, I have constructed the following as a formula for an almost inevitable divorce. If you heed my advice and take these steps I can guarantee your success! The ultimate benefit of this manual is that you will not be blamed for the break-up of your marriage.
l. BECOME MORE OF A DAUGHTER/SON, THAN A WIFE/HUSBAND.
By maintaining your allegiance to your parents you can succeed where others have failed. Take advantage of every opportunity to declare your filial loyalty to Mom and/or Dad, over and above your spouse. These opportunities occur much more often than you’ve ever realized. For instance:
Should your partner express a point of view that differs from your parents, be sure to clearly inform him/her that you side with the old folks. Always discuss your most intimate problems with your parents first. Interrupt your partner regularly, and let her know what mum or pop think. Feel free to spend more time with your parents then with your spouse, and don't forget your vacations. Don't oppose your parents, even at the risk of your partner's chagrin; after all, you could reason, they gave you life, so you should give up yours for them. One successful user of my formula, Blanche G. was so adept at utilizing this suggestion that she managed to get divorced within one month of beginning my program. The proverbial straw occurred when she named her firstborn, Mathilda, her mother's favorite great aunt's name, rather than Jenny, after her departed mother-in-law.
Just be creative, practice regularly, and be on the lookout for those fruitful opportunities. Believe me, they are everywhere.
2. DEVELOP A DOMINEERING PERSONALITY.
Unless you are an intensely self-effacing person, this should not be too difficult. What is required here is that you take consistent positions of control. In a word, cultivate the nature of a spoiled, demanding child who always needs to have your own way. You can do this either by crying and acting helpless, or by exhibiting unrestrained rage. Learn to reject his objections and if necessary, endlessly and obnoxiously repeat your ideas time and time again, brashly bulldozing your way at every turn, until you get your way. For a really sophisticated and refined touch, I suggest that you acquire an inability to accept differences. Refuse to consider your spouse's perspective as even remotely valid, regardless of the subject. Stand firm on all topics and act impervious to her opinions. This position, more than any other, requires great finesse. After all, you need some pretty strong acting skills to consistently assert your superiority. As in any other endeavor, persistence is key. Keep practicing!
3. CREATE A LIVELY HOSTILITY AND AN UNACCEPTING ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR WIFE'S/HUSBAND'S MOTHER, FATHER, SIBLINGS, AND ANY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS YOU CAN THINK OF.
Take a position of abject renouncement of each of your partner's family members. The general attitude that I recommend in this step is to be unfriendly, haughty, cold and withdrawn, show zero interest in these people who are so important in your spouse's life. The procedure is fairly simple. Once again, creativity is key, but if you're stuck try this: Never invite your in-laws to your home for dinner; should your spouse do so, be sure to complain about it and be generally uncooperative; ignore them while they are there: blast the TV, fall asleep, or read the newspaper. If all else fails, practice unabashed criticism of each of them, and their relationship with your spouse. Experiment, have fun with this!
4. FOCUS ON THE PERSON, NOT ON THE BEHAVIOR.
This theme can be ingeniously utilized in a myriad of diabolic situations. Should she have offensive habits (and who doesn't) be sure to criticize her personally, rather than the actual irritating behavior.
Linda L. was particularly proficient with this tool. In one outstanding situation she managed to assassinate her husband’s character in front of one of his major clients whom he brought home for dinner, albeit unannounced. She said: "Max, you really are an inconsiderate jerk! How many times have I told you that I'm just too overwrought, overworked and overtaxed to have your little friends to the house. As a matter of fact, you did the same thing in l991, when you invited your mother over for your birthday without even letting me know!" And with that, Linda invented her own little twist of brilliance when she broke down and cried. If you'll notice, Linda also exemplifies the splendid usage of two other tools: HUMILIATE YOUR SPOUSE IN PUBLIC & TREAT YOUR WIFE/HUSBAND LIKE A CHILD. So, go for it! See what you can come up with!
5. PUT SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE.
The chances are very good that, unaware of your hidden talents, you are already adept at this particular lethal weapon of marital sabotage. What happens here is: Wedge someone in between, rather than directly work out a problem with your spouse. If you need some ideas try some that have worked in the past.
-
The infamous George F. got a lot of mileage out of this method. In one memorable incident he used his dog, Lovelace, to deflect an argument with his wife, Joan. He changed the focus of Joan’s anger toward him when she discovered the affair he was having with the summer associate, by blaming Joan for the mess that Lovelace made in the kitchen. (By the way, pushing your affair under your spouse's nose is such a commonplace power tool that will so easily catapult your marriage into the divorce court, as to hardly be worth mentioning here. As a matter of fact, just having an affair is the easiest way to sabotage any marriage – but you know that already.) Their quarrel changed tracks almost instantly. How much more pleasant to argue about Lovelace’s feces than about George’s affair.
-
Since water finds its own level, you can be sure that Joan too had a flair for triangles. Her finest maneuver was to take sides with their two-year-old son against George, anytime that he attempted to discipline him, by telling him that he was being too rough, or too loud, or too something. This was Joan’s special brand of revenge. In the midst of all these triangles, there was one unfortunate mishap: The creation of a tiny and rather disagreeable two-year-old monster. Oh well, every great accomplishment has its price. Just as these two represent a model of achievement, you too could be tripping the light fantastic!
6. DO NOT ACCEPT DIFFERENCES.
Why give up your constitutional right to have everything your own way? Didn’t daddy teach you that there is only one way to do things? The right way? If you learned your lesson well, then this one should be a piece of cake. The theme you want to develop is simple: Your way is the only way. You can take this single melody and run it through your entire repertory of interaction with your spouse.
Michael W. was rather skilled in this arena, having been raised by a mother who was relentless in both her direct and head-on manipulative methods of getting him to accommodate to her. He was able to push his wife to divorce court in less than a year. One good example of his efforts were his friendly suggestions to her when she was cooking, washing dishes, making the bed, making love, cleaning the kitchen floor, brushing her teeth – in a word, he didn’t miss an opportunity to be helpful. “Honey,” he would whine, “why not use a little more elbow grease, that stain is so stubborn…Sweety, here, let me add a little seasoning to your sauce…Darling, you would really have far fewer cavities if you brushed vertically…Love, let me do that for you, it’ll go so much faster and you know how clumsy you can be.”
Don’t worry about insulting your spouse here, just be relentless and maintain a loving tone just to gaslight the mix a little.
7. HOLDING OUT FOR THE THRILL
Remember how in the beginning you wanted to make love all the time? You couldn’t keep your hands off each other, you didn’t want to eat, see other people, and the passion was so hot you could have grilled hamburgers. No sooner was the ring on your finger than things cooled down. Now, you suspect that the ardor has died altogether, so you may as well give up. Yes, but how to do so effectively? The key here is to ignore any kindling of desire. After all, if you don’t fan the flame it will surely go out.
It also pays to complain, criticize, and remember the old days. And don’t accept the possibility that spontaneity could be replaced by planning, stick to your guns that sex should happen on its own, the way it did in the beginning. After all, everyone knows that the sprightly passion that you knew when your affair was in its infancy, should last a lifetime if you’re with the right person. Don’t settle for anything different! And never accept your partner’s explanation that sex can’t happen without a good, loving, romantic relationship – or that if you just didn’t criticize him so much you’d get sex instead of anger. So keep up the high expectations and by all means, let your disappointment show.
In conclusion, the best course of action, as every commitment-escapee knows, would be the total avoidance of marriage. Sometimes, however, in a moment of passion or foolishness, of fear or loneliness, of confusion or weakness, when love seems the antidote to all misfortune, you may drop your densely erected defenses and march to the Mendelsohn refrain. Should you then plummet into a puddle of pervasive despair caused by this precipitous act, or discover that your Mr. Right turned into Mr. Wrong or that your Ms. Wonderful into The Bitch, than this manual will restore you to the arms of liberty.
If all else fails and you decide to take the high road, feel free to call me. We’ll make an appointment and I’ll see you individually or together with your partner, and who knows? Perhaps we could even save that marriage. It’s been done before. So tread lightly.
For a happier life, call to learn more about how Relationship Therapy works. Ask questions about EMDR Trauma/Loss Therapy and Hypnotherapy. For a free telephone consultation or appointment email Dr Rita email
or call (212) 532-0032.
