Exerpts from Bride's Guide to Emotional Survival
Published by AuthorHouse. Paperback $13.25 Electronic Book $4.95 Visit AuthorHouse to purchase.
"Forget Prozac, avoid Valium. This book is true preventive medicine."
Dr. Lila Nachtigal, author of What Every Woman Should Know and New York University Medical School Professor
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Introduction
End Paper – Letters From My Readers
One
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU DID IT!
Marriage Readiness
Whose Wedding is this Anyway?
Survival Tactics
Two
WEDDING POLITICS
The Announcement
The Engagement Party
Learning to Delegate Responsibility
Friends
Three
PAIR-BONDING POTENTIAL
Gender Differences
Working Together
The Unknown Future
Four
COMMUNICATION – IT’S A FAMILY AFFAIR
Parental Pressures and Blessings
Your New Alliance
In-Laws & Outlaws
Mothers-in-Law
If Your Parents Divorced
Five
HAMMERING OUT THE DETAILS
Who is Coming to the Wedding?
A Chair by any Other Name
A United Vision
A Spectrum of Cultures
Who Pays for the Wedding?
The Question of Elopement
Six
MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS
The Dance of SeparationMother Loss
Stepmothers
Seven
THE SECOND TIME AROUND
Some Challenges and Solutions
Be Prepared for Peyton Place
Blending Families
Prenuptials and Postnuptials
Eight
COLD FEET AND OTHER JITTERS
Overcoming Pre-Wedding Fears
Determining Confidence
The Work of Relationships
Surviving Ambivalence
Nine
DOWN THE AISLE
Calming Your Self
The Honeymoon
Ten
NEWLYWEDS
Finding your Balance
About Prior Cohabitation
Marital Responsibilities
Resolving Wedding Conflicts
Free To Be Married, A Blessing
Recommended Reading
Dr. Bigel-Casher’s book is delightfully readable and provides valuable suggestions to relieve the stress that planning a wedding can trigger.
Gloria G. Harris, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and co-author Surviving Infidelity
Excerpt from Chapter ONE
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU DID IT!
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do! I’m half crazy, all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet, upon the seat, of a bicycle built for two. HARRY DACRE
Within weeks after they met Ellen knew she wanted to marry Greg. He was everything she ever wanted in a man. One year to the day after their first date, Greg proposed to Ellen. They were sitting on Greg’s couch on a Sunday morning reading magazines and listening to the top 40 countdown on the radio. Suddenly, Ellen looked up from her Cosmo because she heard the DJ’s special dedication from someone named Greg to someone named Ellen asking her to marry him. When Ellen looked over at Greg to see his reaction to this amazing coincidence, Greg was down on one knee at her feet with a ring in his hand and a smile from ear to ear. Needless to say, Ellen was stunned as Greg took her hand and asked her to be his wife. Ellen’s eyes filled with tears and she fell into Greg’s arms saying, “Yes, yes, yes, I would be honored to marry you.”
Steve held out the ring as they bicycled their way through Alaska. And Judy, bleary-eyed from that day’s 65-mile ride, fainted and fell off her bike. As Steve cradled her, the revived Judy stared at the fourth finger on her left hand and beamed. A sweaty embrace, kisses, and tears were followed by the decision to get married with a minimum of fuss.
You’re in love. You’re engaged! You’ve said it, with or without words. It is on the table now – your relationship is official. A marriage proposal launches a barrage of excitement, planning, and activity, all of which are also potential sources of stress. Certainly you expect a windfall of good feelings and want your wedding day to be picture perfect. But perhaps it is too much to expect that your engagement will be one nonstop party. Already you’re realizing that there’s a lot to deal with and your engaged and married friends are hinting that there are headaches ahead. Could all this frenzy have started with just one little question: Will you marry me?
A must-read for prospective brides. I only wish that she had written something like this for grooms when I was getting married. Stephen Gilligan, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Therapeutic Conversations
Six
Mothers and Daughters
She wants to live for once. But doesn’t know quite what that means. Wonders if she has ever done it. If she ever will. ALICE WALKER
Sandra and her fiancé had decided on a simple affair. They opted for a buffet since they hated the waste that most weddings presented when a lavish cocktail hour was followed by four courses that were never eaten. They also believed that people got glued to their seats and limited their socializing during a sit-down dinner.
Sandra’s mother got riled when she couldn’t convince her daughter to alter this format. “What are people going to say?” she cried. “None of my nieces or nephews ever had a problem with a normal wedding. What’s wrong with you?”
“Mom, take it easy,” soothed her daughter. “It’ll be good, you’ll see. We won’t have tons of leftovers to worry about and it will be a lot cheaper.”
“Ha! That’s what you’re saying, I’m cheap. Maybe we shouldn’t have a wedding at all.”
“I never said you were cheap, Mom,” a concerned Sandra responded, “that’s just how Chris and I want things.”
“Next thing I know,” screamed her mother, “you won’t want to wear white! Young people these days don’t understand the importance of tradition. Everyone I know got married in a church, and then we had a sit-down dinner. Your ideas are crazy – you’ll embarrass me. Everyone will think we’re cheap and that’s why we’re not feeding them properly.”
Sandra was flustered, yet not surprised. She knew that her mother was a traditionalist and was influenced by her own experiences. Sandra also knew that her mother loved her. Sandra’s high degree of self-esteem allowed her not to take her mother’s reactions too seriously. And she was able to distinguish that it was, in the end, her wedding. Although she wanted to please her mother she felt it was appropriate to stand her ground, insisting on the details that were especially important to her and to her fiancé.
Mothers and daughters are, as the journalist Liz Smith says, “natural allies (as well as) natural enemies.” No one up until now has been as important to you as your mother, nor been loved as much by you, even if you may not like or respect her. The tie between you is inexorably charged with expectations and possibilities. What makes this connection so powerful? Because of your shared genetics and gender – you probably look and sound alike – and because she also has been your female role model, you may even act and think alike.
As with all role models, we admire them, simultaneously competing to be better or different, and we eventually need to separate from them emotionally. Why? Because a universal survival mechanism determines our need to detach, but at the same time we have a concomitant need to stay connected. Our relationship with Mother may be loving and friendly or hostile and anxious, but at our center is a need for her to always love us unconditionally and to be available to us should we falter.
[Dr.] Bigel-Casher’s enthusiastically upbeat and enlightening book will be a great help to any bride-to-be….Based on the author’s solid professional expertise, yet full of practical solutions to the array of problems a couple must solve before actually becoming husband and wife.
Myron L. Pulier, M.D., New Jersey Medical School and editor for Self-Help & Psychology, a magazine on the Internet.
Excerpt from End Paper
Letters From My Readers
Dear Dr. Rita:
Why is getting married so tumultuous, isn’t it supposed to be the happiest time in a couple’s life? My fiancée and I are having a lot of problems with his sisters’ jealousy that my parents are giving us a beautiful wedding. Not only that but his parents, who always favored him, now feel guilty that his sisters are not married yet and that he is younger and is getting married first so they are not being very supportive or nice to us either. I feel confused and worried.
Dena from Rhode Island.
Dear Dena,
The momentous task of making wedding arrangements is like an emotional roller coaster. You have entered “wedding world” and lots of long buried antagonisms are being stirred up. Getting married is a rite of passage involving the entire family. Planning your wedding can be understandably confusing and riddled with numerous emotional issues that rise to the surface.
Getting married changes the family structure and introduces tension for every family member. In the past, tradition in some cultures demanded that children marry in the order they were born. Chances are your future in-laws are dealing with old issues that have resurfaced during this “crisis.” I suspect your fiancèe’s family issues are unrelated to which child marries first. It may be more about how they feel about their daughters. Perhaps it’s because of their historic preferential treatment of their baby son. One thing is certain, their inappropriate response to your wedding is causing you great unhappiness.
I know it’s hard, but this is an important time to assert yourself with your fiancée and have him talk to his parents. It’s a good rule of thumb going forward as well: Each of you should negotiate with his or her own families regarding couple issues. Your fiancèe needs to let his parents know that their behavior is causing him a great deal of suffering. Furthermore, he needs to emphasize that he is determined to marry you, and that he truly needs their support. You’ll notice, that you will feel more positive about the once your fiancée begins to protect your relationship.
Yes, getting married is a crisis – which is a special opportunity to create healthy changes in all of your important relationships. This is a crucial time to assert yourself and make your fiancée aware of your feelings. Things will settle down after the wedding if you deal with the real issues now. Don’t let their sour grapes turn your fun into bitterness. Instead, be strategic. Include your future sisters-in-law in some wedding planning activities and ask them to be in your bridal party. This will change them into allies and make your life with your new family more agreeable. Lots of luck!
Dear Dr. Rita:
My mother is driving me crazy. I shouldn’t be surprised. She’s always been a Take-Over-Tillie, telling me what to wear, what to eat, she even tried to pick out my boyfriends. The night I announced my engagement she went into gear and was on the phone with caterers and florists even before congratulating us. Okay, so I should be grateful that she didn’t oppose my choice of a husband. And it’s true that she is very generous and loving. But by the end of the week, she had me running around for a wedding gown, picking out my colors, and choosing where I should register. She even went looking at churches without me. I think she thinks it’s her wedding. She is such a control freak that she doesn’t even want my fiancée’s parents to contribute to the wedding or have a right to any decisions. But the last straw was yesterday when she handed me a book of poetry with highlighted sections that she thought I would love to use for our vows. I just cried. Please help me. I think I’m going to elope.
Kendria from Kentucky
Dear Kendria,
Perhaps it is time to accept your mother for who she is, a good person with an impossible personality style. It is rather surprising that you didn’t expect her to be herself. Who else is she supposed to be? You must have forgotten during your heightened state of excitement. Controlling people are often very loving and well-meaning, but for a variety of reasons feel compelled to take over and run everything within their outer limits. Take-Over-Tillies and Billies respond best to very sturdy boundaries, and lots of TLC.
It would be a good idea for you and your fiancée to make your own decisions about what kind of wedding you want, and work out the details between you before you approach your mother. Tell her how you truly appreciate everything she wants to do for your wedding, but part of the excitement is planning it yourself. Then discuss with her what specific tasks she would like to take charge of. Then, express your concern about her tendency to take over. Let her know how much it makes you suffer, and ask her to write you a letter telling you what you are doing wrong, in the future. Let your mother know when you feel that she has overstepped a boundary.
One of my clients, Liang L. had a Take-Over-Billie for a dad. After a good, though difficult conversation about her concerns for the wedding, Liang and her father figured out a signal that they would use whenever Liang felt uncomfortable with her father’s attitude. Liang didn’t expect her father to instantly change, and realized theirs would be a work in progress. The signal they agreed on was the word “Boomerang.” Throughout the wedding planning period, Liang would occasionally say, “Boomerang,” which stopped her father dead in his tracks, and brought a twinkle to his eye as he came to recognize tendency towards controlling everything. The best part of it was that their honest exchange brought Liang and her father got closer than ever, and when he gave her away at the altar, she truly felt the poignancy of it all.
